Wednesday, February 20

assaulted by an empty wall to my left, beckoned by the window on my right, i sit sandwiched between the two possibilites: face the blank, open life that stares at me straight on, or run out the window and take the car.
i run.
the image of you in my head, it's already starting to fade
daylight creeping past the corners of my windowshades
and i already tried pushing the phone further from the bed
thinking i could keep your words from ringing in my head
i knew you were right when you said i shouldn't look back
but i turn only to see you slip through the very same crack
when i threw my words into your face hoping to wound you
i had hoped that would end it all, that we would be through
i should have known it would take more than an angry heart
to separate our selves and minds and then keep them apart
but i held on to my ideals, they're just now starting to fade
sorry i had to fight you like this in our two-man crusade.

Friday, January 4

i am all you never knew and maybe never wanted
but somehow, here we are, as entwined as ever
in a tangle of useless words and emotions
and i struggle to listen but all i can hear
are the sharp, ugly words exiting your mouth
and i think that maybe, you hate me
if only for the piece of you i now hold. or the feelings i harbor.
i know you feel this is the edge of some cliff
where the land comes to a sudden stop with only air below;
but it's not, i'm still here, i'm still waiting
feet planted firmly on the ground.
i never asked you
to give me your head and your words and your self
and now that i've seen it i'm giving it all back
but with some faith in you still left
{it's a fair trade either way, your heart for my hope}
everything i wanted to say to you tonight
was caught in the back of my throat
so many emotions running around
i didn't think i could let you see
me vulnerable and scared
didn't know if i could
allow you to see
that part of
me

Thursday, December 27

your stupid fucking dreams
i can't listen to you talk of them anymore
drawing up visions of suicide and absolution
well it doesn't work that way
the paths you drew marking your progress
traveling the length of your arm
they don't impress me
and you are no consolation
with your hands above your head in surrender
if you think a pool of your blood
is be enough to clear your past, you are wrong

Saturday, September 29

learning to be evil.

ah, your devilish eyes
burn a hole in my heart
and your dark voice,
which speaks of so many
petty crimes i would not commit.
i guess i'll just have to
learn to be evil.
if i can shed this skin and
look within myself for darkness--
oh, but if you knew
knew me back when
i was turned inwards,
depressed and inert.
you would see that
there is no charm in
a hollow girl.
you would see that
there is no charm in
learning to be evil.

Tuesday, September 18

STEALING LINES

i am everything you never knew and maybe never wanted
but somehow, here we are, as entwined as ever
in a tangle of useless words and emotions. as always
and i struggle to listen but all i can hear
are the sharp, ugly words exiting your mouth
and i think that maybe, you hate me
or the piece of you i now hold. or the feelings i harbor.
i don't know but yeah you got a piece of me
but it's just a little piece of me and i don't want you,
or you to tell me anything anymore
i take it back-- i want your fragile friendship again
not just you but the friendship too
and i'm trying to figure out what you're all about these days
i don't have much to say to you--
since you say nothing worth listening to anymore

Friday, September 14

our friendship
is better off far away
where you and i can't get at each other's throats
and that's why i have to leave.
cause you can't keep flinging insults at me
and i can't keep clawing at your skin much longer.
i'm past reasoning with myself--
this is just childish,
the way we play these head games.

Tuesday, September 4

So we sat there, in the dark silence, and tried not to think about the topic nagging at both our minds. But it was impossible, of course. I didn’t dare speak as we gazed at the lake through the hazy darkness. Though I couldn’t possibly admit it to myself then, I was scared of him. So afraid that he would say something I didn’t want to hear, that he would leave me alone here to fight these bad thoughts by myself.
I’m a wimp.
But he didn’t; instead we sat there, each of us trying not to think about the another, but as I already said we found it impossible. At least I did.
“You know….you really piss me off sometimes,” I managed.
“Yeah?” he replied, disinterested and off in his own place and time.
“Yeah. But I still love you I guess…” my voice wavered as I trailed off. I guessed? I KNEW I still loved him, always would, couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it, as much as I may have liked.
“You know you love me.” He turned to face me, and suddenly he was focused again on the situation at hand. He hugged me, a rough, friendly hug.
What a stupid admission to make.
We just sat there for a while, then he got up to go. I felt a little panicked; there were so many things on my mind still, why couldn’t he just sit the hell down and let me finish sorting these thoughts??
“Goodnight.” He got up. I gave him another hug. I couldn’t gage his emotions.
“Night….” I turned my back to him and listened to his boots banging as he walked off the pier and away from me.